You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Are we still banned from the library?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
