How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
