I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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