new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
