I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Randomize