What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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