Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
