I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
