Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
