So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
