is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
