I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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