just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
