I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
