The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
