Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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