there's paper in my vomit.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
