i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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