I can text with my tongue
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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