Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
