I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
