Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And then my night got REAL pukey
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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