I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
