i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
