upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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