Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to make a zoo with you.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
