He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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