I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
