My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
