God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
