I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
