3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
