even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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