so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
NoShamevember. You game?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
