I will die if light touches me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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