Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
