Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
