So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
