Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
