make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize