Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
