I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
