First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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