I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
