guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
