Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
