I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
