don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize