I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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