If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
