If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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