I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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