I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
