what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
