well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
