when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
