puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also, beer. Big fan.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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