I showed him my bush... on skype.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
