if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
