the condom got lost in my hair
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
