apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize