dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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