Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
