i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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