I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
