So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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