Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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