I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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