What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
