Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
