i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
