I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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